Week 20: Judges 1-8 and Psalms 134 – 140

“Where shall I go from your Spirit?  Or where shall I flee from your presence:  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”  Psalm 139:7-10

Psalm 139 has been one of my favorite passages in Scripture since I began walking with the LORD.  It has meant different things to me at different times in my life, with certain lines and words having particular significance.  It has brought comfort and has assigned divine meaning to parts of my life that would have otherwise been shrouded by darkness and uncertainty.

Reading through it this time, against the backdrop of the book of Judges, one particular phrase especially took the stage: “Even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” (v.10)

Even there.  Even there, in the midst of Israel’s complete unfaithfulness to God, as they gave their hearts over to anything that offered hope of immediate gratification.  Even there, when His special possession, His people, had completely forgotten their God, unable to tell the difference between Him and all the other false gods of the Canaanites.  Even there, when they were willing to put their trust in almost anything or anyone, even after being warned how destructive it would be.  Even there, when they held no regard for what God had done for them and the loving boundaries that He had established for them.  Even there…He would not let them go.

Where is your “even there?”

This passage has caused me to think about many different “even there” times and places in my life.  They are countless.  I even find myself in the midst of one of those seasons right now.  I, like so many other mothers of young children, have come to what feels like the absolute end of my reserves of patience.  This COVID-19 season of being with my children all day, every day has been incredibly precious and I would not trade it for anything.  But I have to tell you, it has worn my natural ability to parent with grace to the bone.  The last week has been tear-filled for me.  Tears of frustration, of defeat, of guilt, of anger, of discouragement, of overwhelm and tears of just feeling sorry for myself (if I may be so honest!).  I have exploded in anger more times this week than I usually do in several months.  My emotions have been at the helm of my reactions and I have felt powerless to reel them back in under my control.  I am not typically a hot-tempered person, so my behavior has left my family a bit wide-eyed.  Their shock and dismay only add insult to my injured pride and self-assurance.

Worst of all, there have been moments through-out the week when I have felt the Holy Spirit rush to my rescue before words of emotional manipulation and anger escape my mouth.  Rather than softening to His loving conviction, I have blatantly disobeyed simply because it felt good to say exactly what I was thinking.

Oh LORD, have mercy on me.  I do not deserve your loving kindness.  My outward behavior only exposes what is in my heart and it is wretched.  Help me to turn once again towards You.  Help me to desire your grace and mercy towards me rather than my self-assertion.  Restore to me the joy of my salvation that I might turn from my selfish ways. 

As I read those words from Psalm 139 this week, they have been like cool water washing over my red hot-tempered face.  Even there, with the ugliness of my heart laid bare for my family to see, He leads me and holds me.  Even in my outright disobedience to Him, He not only tolerates me, but He holds me with His right hand.  The imagery used by David of God’s right hand signifies His intense power and strength.  It comforts me to know that even when I feel utterly out of control, He remains in control of me.  He will not let me go beyond where His grace contains me.

I absolutely love how the King James Version puts verse 13 of Psalm 139:

“For thou hast possessed my reins; thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.”

He possesses my reins.  Amen.  From the time I was being formed in mother’s womb through to the days that I have yet to live, He has possession of my reins.  Even when I find myself caught up in a mess that I am powerless to rescue myself from, it is His strong hand that has led me there in order that He might rescue me once again.

I wonder if there is a part of me that believes the LORD has run out of grace for me the way that I feel like I have run out of grace for my children?  I am reminded of one my favorite articles on grace, “The Most Transformational Word,” written by Paul Tripp:

“Grace will confront you with the fact that you’re much less than you thought you were, even as it assures you that you can be far more that you had ever imagined.  Grace will put you in your place without ever putting you down…Grace will confront you with profound weaknesses, and at the same time introduce you to new-found strength…Grace will make you as uncomfortable as you’ve ever been, while offering you more comfort than you’ve ever know.  Grace will drive you to the end of yourself, while it invites you to fresh starts and new beginnings.  Grace will dash your hopes but never leave you hopeless.  Grace will decimate your kingdom as it introduces you to a better King.  Grace will expose your blindness as it gives you eyes to see.  Grace will make you sadder than you have ever been, while it gives you greater cause for celebration than you’ve ever know. Grace enters your life in a moment and will occupy you for eternity.  You simply can’t live a productive life or have a productive ministry in this broken-down world unless you have a practical grasp of the grace you’ve been given.”

This is the grace given to me in Jesus.  Receiving this grace, even now, in this very moment, floods me with hope for my current situation.  I am reminded that it is in running back to my Father and His grace poured out for me that I find the delight of walking in obedience to Him once again.  Repentance is where the joy of my salvation is restored and I am empowered by grace to walk in the fruit of the Spirit.

May this be your experience today.  Where is your “even there?”  In what area of your life do you need to be reminded that, even there, He is holding you?  You cannot out run His love and grace for you.  Where can we go from His Spirit?  Where can we flee from His presence?  He possesses our reins and He knows how to tame even the wildest of rebellious hearts.  Even as we buck and fight surrendering to His care for us, is it not He who holds us and meets our every need?

Find comfort today in knowing that our God sees it all.  He knows it all.  And yet, He remains in the midst of it all because we are His.