Week 6: Exodus 10 – Exodus 20 and Psalms 36 – 42

We’ve got to take a moment to talk about Psalm 37.  I cannot read this Psalm without remembering the first time the Lord lovingly corrected my interpretation of verse 4 specifically.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

As I think on what this verse once meant to me, the words of legendary country music singer, Garth Brooks, come to mind. “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.  Remember when you’re talkin to the man upstairs; that just because He doesn’t answer doesn’t mean He don’t care.  ‘Cause some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” (from “Unanswered Prayers”)

I imagine that most of us can think back on some things that we prayed for, hoped for, even begged for, that would have come to a very unpleasant end had they come to fruition.  This could not have been more true for me back when I was in my early 20’s and my heart was set like stone on marrying the young man that I had been infatuated with for over 3 years.  His name was…well, I won’t mention names!  Being a young woman of faith, I trusted God to make it happen, certain that it was precisely what would be best for the young man and me.  Psalm 37:4 was what I clung too.  It was my personal promise from God, assuring me that if I just gave the Lord all my devotion, He in turn would give me the one thing I wanted more than anything.

This interpretation of the text fit right in with my deeply engrained patterns of manipulation and control.  I grew up in a home where I could use emotional manipulation to get what I wanted and avoid the pain of natural consequences.  I took advantage of the compassion and care of my parents and played on their emotions to bend their wills.  I carried this into nearly all of my relationships and circumstances.  I also used my God-given personality for selfish gain.  People typically saw me as very “sweet” and “good.” No one ever wanted to see “sweet Kendra” upset or disappointed.  At the first sign of my dissatisfaction, people would give me what I wanted.  Seeing this for what it is now, I am SO disgusted by the ways I preyed on people’s good loving intensions to emotionally strong-arm them.

When it came to the young man I was infatuated with, I truly thought I could manipulate him into loving me.  Quite honestly, I also thought I could manipulate God into giving me what I wanted.

Fast forward 15 years or so and I now see that I could not control the young man’s will, God’s will, or anyone else’s for that matter!  The best part about it is that God, in His gracious goodness, did not give me the man I thought I wanted from my shortsighted perspective.  He gave me the most unexpected gift of a husband who absolutely refuses to be moved by my manipulation tactics!  They just don’t work on him!!  One of my most tried and tested techniques for getting people to give into my will has been the good old “Silent Treatment.”  The trouble is, Tyson isn’t bothered at all by endless hours of deliberate noncommunication.  He quite delights in the silence!!  It makes me smile at God’s perfect sense of humor.

The day that God opened my eyes to my misinterpretation of Him “giving me the desires of my heart,” was one that I will never forget.  I was on a walk, pouring out my heart to Him.  I had recently found out that the young man that I had envisioned myself with and pleaded with God over had just proposed to one of my former house mates.  As I cried out, I asked God, “What on earth do you mean that you will give us the desires of our heart when we delight in You?  I HAVE delighted in You!  How hard would it have been for you to make my heart’s desire happen?”

And He answered.

He spoke to my heart and assured me that He was in the midst of answering the deepest desire of my heart.  He knew that more of Himself is what I truly wanted.  Looking back now, I see that He was beginning the work of transforming my heart’s desires into His desires.  He was doing the work of sanctification, shaping me more into the image of His Son.  I could not see it like that at the time.  I was still heart broken.  But, I was also deeply comforted by His words.  There was something in me that knew He was right.  By His grace, more of God was the deepest desire of my heart.  In that moment, His words emboldened me to accept whatever He was willing to give or not give in order for me to know Him more.

As I think about the man that God did give me to marry, I could not be more thankful.  Tyson is not afraid to let me feel disappointed at not getting my way.  He knows I will survive and will get over myself.  He has seen ALL of the ugliness that comes out of me when I do not get what I want, and somehow, by a miracle, he loves me still.  I do not get it, but I am learning to accept it!

Perhaps, that is exactly what I needed most of all; someone who would not bend to my will.  I cannot manipulate Tyson to give me what I want, even his love.  He is too stubborn for that.  He simply gives me his love because he wants to.  Is that not what I have truly wanted all along?  To be loved, just because? For years, I was afraid that I would not be loved if I did not contrive a plan to insure it.  Through Tyson, God has shown me a different way.  He has opened my eyes to the reality of His own love for me.  I cannot coerce God into loving me.  I cannot bend His will to favor me.  God will not be manipulated.  He exists and does all things according to HIS WILL alone.

And it is HIS WILL to love me.

I do not think this will ever fully sink in on this side of heaven.  Why is it God’s will to love me when I continue to see more and more ugliness in my heart?  It is certainly not because I deserve it.  It is completely counter to my natural way of operating.  However, just as before, His Word emboldens me to accept what He is willing to give.  He is willing to give me Himself and His perfect love.  For that, I am eternally humbled.

Thank you, Lord, for unanswered prayers.  Thank you for the precious and unexpected gift of Tyson who loves me despite myself.  And thank you for Your perfect love that I have no control over, but instead have the life-long pleasure of learning to accept.  You are so faithful.  You are so good.